Recovery // Why you should stop counting calories

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*Trigger warning for talk of Eating disorders and weight (numbers included)*

As I'm sat here typing this, I'm eating a bagel covered in Peanut Butter and Strawberry jam.This is an everyday occurrence now,but this time 14 months ago (in the beginning of my recovery) I would weigh and calculate every morsel of food.I remember using the scale to weigh lettuce and having to check it repeatedly to make sure it was accurate.My history with calorie counting is far too lengthy to talk about in this post,but I thought I would share my experiences with you.I know it can be hard when you always hear people say "urgh this is so bad , it has x/y/z calories".You can't really blame people though,magazines are covered in eye catching titles claiming that the latest celebrity is so much happier and healthier on this diet that has a 99% chance of being restrictive.I thought I'd share with you my tips on how you can move toward a more natural and way less stressful relationship with food.

1.Buy food that doesn't show calorie information! I think I had some bakery bread in the freezer for 6 months because I was too scared to eat it.However,since recovery I have been able to expand my cooking knowledge and try out some wonderful new food.I like to think of it as experiencing food like a child would,they enjoy all the colours,flavours and textures that their meals have to offer without judgement or attaching labels.

2.If you struggle with associating calories and how many you have with guilt and other negative feelings,I have some really helpful affirmations that help me get through my emotions.

"I trust my body"

"500 years ago people didn't count calories and they were absolutely fine!"

"I am allowed to enjoy this food and nourish my body"

"I am feeling sad/guilty/anxious and that's OK and it will pass"

"I am trying to create a healthier relationship with myself and food"

3.Try to get out of the mindset that low calorie=healthy and high calorie=unhealthy.Foods like Peanut Butter (one of the foods I really struggled with),Olive Oil and some fish contain high levels of fats that are great for brain function and skin. Whereas lots of low fat or sugar substitutes often contain more additives so that it appealing and tastes nice.Having a good mix of everything is often the best way to make sure that you're eating well.

4.Listening to your body is one of the greatest tools in stopping calorie counting.Learning to recognise hunger and fullness signals (especially when you have disordered eating) can be very difficult.However,this is a learning process.Initially I had to count calories to make sure I was eating enough but when I reached a healthy weight my body was able to tell me what it needed more reliably.There is no shame in eating when you're hungry.There is no shame in eating full stop.

5.This leads me on to my next point, making sure you eat regularly.Not eating often enough can often leave people quite irritable and it can mess up your hunger signals.I always eat 3 meals and 2 snacks,but whatever works for you is great! Make time for food and enjoy getting to know your body and what it wants (you might learn something new.)

For me,when I was restricting my food intake,other areas of my life also became limited.Therefore,it would make sense that when those rules slowly became lifted,I was able to experience life much more vividly.I understand that everyone's lives are different,but I really hope this helps or at least makes you think about calories and your relationship with them.After all,there are much more important things to worry about.

Do you count calories? Let me know your opinions and experiences! 

Anorexia and Me: Q&A

I've been wanting to write some more about my struggles with Anorexia,but I didn't know where to start so I thought do a little Q&A.It's a pretty intense subject but I thought it would be a great way to let you in on a little bit of my life.Just a side note, if you find the talk of weight or eating disorders triggering to any mental health problems you may have,please proceed with caution.

I chose the above picture because it was taken last August when I became fully physically recovered from Anorexia.When I restricted,I would never let myself enjoy a sunny day and I had so much fun!


How old where you when you began restricting food?

I was 14 and at Secondary school.I was a healthy weight with a BMI of about 23,but I had a school trip abroad coming up and I wanted to look my best.As other girls at school were doing the same,I thought it would be a great idea to eat a little healthier and starting cutting down my food intake.

What triggered your Eating Disorder/disordered behaviours?

I've always felt inadequate.I feel bad admitting this,but when I'd see all of the popular girls eating something "unhealthy", for a moment I would be better than them.For a moment I would feel like someone.Also,most of my family are women so the diet talk was inevitable.It seemed like my family condoned my behaviour,and they would always complement my "wonderful figure".It took me years to realise I was worth more than my appearance.The abusive relationship I was in at 16 didn't do much for my self esteem either, I felt like everyone was watching me self destruct.

Why did it spiral out of control?

I lost a little bit of weight from healthy eating, but that wasn't enough.Every time I stepped on the scale I was happy for about 0.5 seconds,and then came the plans for more weight loss,I needed to lose more.I began exercising obsessively.I remember buying an exercise bike and pedaling so fast that my legs felt like they were going to collapse underneath me.On top of that I was only eating one or maybe two tiny meals a day.I had dozens of diaries that should have been filled with memories of friends and summer holidays,but instead sums and numbers of every bite of food was carefully logged and recalculated.I never ate more than 1000 calories a day.Constant fights with my Mum over tea were becoming normal.I wasn't underweight at this point but I was suffering.It goes to show that you don't have to be underweight to feel the side effects,as I was constantly in a zombie like state and getting weaker by the day,both physically and mentally.

When did you get diagnosed with Anorexia?

The 10th of January 2013.I'll never forget that day as long as I live.My now husband begged me for weeks to go to the Doctors,by this point I was at least a stone underweight.I didn't think anything was wrong.I remember saying "It's no big deal,it's only a diet".Except I had been on a diet for 7 years.I had never realised until that day that that wasn't normal.When the Doctor confirmed I had Anorexia, I just laughed.I couldn't believe it, and I was utterly terrified at even the thought of gaining weight.

What treatment did  you receive to help you recover?

Last year I attended a 20 week course of DBT or Dialetical Behavior Therapy which is designed for people to help take control of their emotions and move towards  a more positive coping mechanism.I regularly went to the Doctors so they could monitor me and check my bloods (I hated that!) I also had to eat regularly and this was the hard part.I had some days where I'd just cry through every meal,knowing that this was the only choice I had.It did get easier as I began reaching a healthier weight,probably due to the fact that my brain could work properly!

How are you now?

I am amazing! I have been completely free from any negative behaviours since August last year! I still have horrible days,but I find much more comfort in communicating with people than I do restricting now.I'd never thought I would be able to even have one day with precisely counting every calorie.Now I eat regularly and don't cut out any food groups! Also,I don't have any more physical symptoms from my eating disorder,I practically walked out unscathed and I am incredibly lucky.The pain of recovery was completely and 100% worth it.

I often feel so sad when I think about the experiences I've missed out on because of my disorder.I have accepted that I'm allowed to grieve that time,but I have the power to decide what my future is going to be.

I definitely think people would find it easier to start recovery if society didn't have the wrong preconceptions about mental health and eating disorders.

Anorexics aren't vain or stupid and bulimics aren't lazy or greedy.Eating disorders in all their forms aren't just black and white,but various shades of grey.People who are suffering need building up and supporting not mocking and belittling.

If you have any more questions,feel free to ask. I know it's a tough subject,but it's experienced by so many people that I'd love to be able to help.Obviously,if you are concerned about yourself of someone else,then I would advise seeking medical advice from your GP.I'm going to be writing more about Mental health on here,so watch this space!


What topics would you like to discuss with me next?